I was raised Irish Catholic, which is different from being raised Regular-ass Catholic, as Irish Catholicism has exponentially more guilt and alcoholism. What does that mean? This means that I operate with a higher-than-usual base level of guilt (and alcohol!) already in my system.
Being raised Irish Catholic means wearing the medallion of your patron saint, Our Lady of Perpetual Guilt and Shame. It means that once a year you get to creep out your coworkers and friends by having an old man put ash on your forehead in the shape of something that vaguely resembles a cross. It means going to confession because you sassed your mother in a dream. It means you feel guilty for sleeping in on a Sunday and going to 11am mass (a.k.a. the late mass), because, goddamn it, you should have gone to the 9am, now the whole parish knows you were out late last night, what are you, a whore?
I left the Catholic church a long time ago, but somehow the guilt is still there. It won’t wash off, no matter how much of my Dr. Bronner’s hippie soap I use! So, rather than going to therapy (LAWL! Nevah!), I think I’m going to just spread the guilt around to you guys. Hope you like feeling bad about everything ever!
I feel like Oprah here: You’re getting a complex! And you’re getting a complex! Everybody gets a complex!
So, without further ado, here’s some shit you should be feeling guilty for:
Shopping at American Apparel:
You think that sweet lace bodysuit from American Apparel just says, “I’m a sexy kitty”? Well it’s also saying, “Oh hey, what’s up bladder infection?”* and, “I’m pretty okay with unfair appearance-based labor practices.”**
*Boys, in case you were wondering about the bladder infection joke, ask your nearest lady friend what leotards and bodysuits do to their urinary tract.
**And, everyone, in case you were wondering about the appearance-based labor practices thing, read this Gawker piece from last summer.
I’ve long known that I can’t stand too close to the employees at American Apparel without feeling bad about my body and my everything, and now I know why! It’s because American Apparel has a No Uggos Policy. It’s official and shit.
Shopping at Urban Outfitters/Anthropologie/Free People:
Since I can’t shop at American Apparel because I like to feel good about my appearance/I can’t afford it, my low-rent ass is often reduced to shopping at Urban Outfitters. They have lace bodysuits for much cheaper than American Apparel, which allows me to afford the antibiotics I’ll need for the inevitable bladder infection.
But, I guess the president and founder of Urban Outfitters (and affiliated brands Anthropologie and Free People), Richard Hayne donated almost $14,000 to Rick Santorum‘s political campaign, as well as to many other Republican politicians’ campaigns. Well, fuck.
Once again, Liz Lemon was right:
I will haunt your dreams!
Using Dr. Bronner’s Magic All-One Soaps:
Maybe you don’t need to feel guilty about this one, but like, just read the bottles. They are weird as fuck. And they sell this stuff in almost every store that is crunchy on the outside, and right-wing nutjob on the inside. Like Urban Outfitters and Whole Foods. Also, Levi’s, American Apparel, Trader Joes, etc. Pretty much anywhere in which there is a direct proportion between the thickness of a girl’s (ironic) glasses and her inherent hotness.
I read the label on my peppermint castille hemp bullshit, and, like, shit’s crazy, dawg. Here’s a quote:
“Thank God we don’t descend down from the perfect Adam & Eve to sinful sinner, brother’s keeper, divided slave! Thank God! United, hard-working trained brave, from dust we ascend up! Thank God for that! Our brother’s teacher of the Moral ABC, mason-tent-&-sandalmaker Hillel, taught carpenter Jesus to unite all mankind free! With it, every Human being created on God’s Spaceship Earth, can evolve united, inspired-raised-trained-skilled-disciplined, guided lightning-like by a new birth! Without it… we destroy God’s Spaceship Earth!… 11th: Essene & Chinese birth controls must reduce birth or Easter Isle type overpopulation destroys God’s Spaceship Earth! God’s law prevents all conception below pH3….” (emphasis mine)
Lolwut?!
Shopping at Ikea:
GD it! Not Ikea, too!!
Yes, Ikea too. I’m sorry. According to an article in The Telegraph, Ikea’s founder was a straight Swedish Nazi! The article says, “[Founder] Ingvar Kamprad was a member of the Swedish Nazi party and was such a concern to secret service they opened a file on him….”
Excuse me while I check my Malm bedframe for Nazi gold!
Founder Ingvar Kamprad via: wikileaks
Buying Chanel products:
I know that Chanel shit is expensive, but it’s super popular on teh internets and teh Tumblrs. Young ass Tumblr tweens love them some Chanel logos. Here’s one way to burst their mermaid-hair-and-cupcakes-and-rainbows-and-harajuku-loving bubbles: remind them that Coco Chanel was prob an anti-Semite at least, and a Nazi spy at worst, according Hal Vaughan’s new book entitled Sleeping With The Enemy: Coco Chanel’s Secret War.
She even got control of the company, Parfums Chanel, from the Jewish directors, the Wertheimers, thanks to a Vichy law that disallowed ownership and property rights to Jews during World War II.
This bitch…
This is tacky, right?
So enjoy the guilt, y’all. I guess it’s back to making your own lace bodysuits, soaps, and cheap, particle-board bedframes, eh?
